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luck4hopei went thrifting a couple weeks back, As We All Know
i found a bunch of nice clothes, so yay! not like, a whole wardrobe overhaul's worth, but enough so i can manage for the time being. i even found the PERFECT komaeda lookin coat AND a shirt that reminds me of hajime, so overall a total success! i mean, despite a couple instances of bad luck... but honestly not too bad and i can bounce back so whateva!!
the day after i went thrifting i put on a whole new outfit and styled my hair and walked in front of my fiance and asked what he thought and he started to TEAR UP and said that no matter what i wore before, none of it really felt... right, yknow? like, it all looked nice on me, but it didnt look correct. but this all did and i looked so good and he all but shoved me in front of a mirror and... usuually i dont like looking at myself and like, that didnt fully go away, BUT i liked it a whole lot more in those clothes! he was right, i really did look a lot more correct than ever :)
but it turns out i was allergic to the komaeda-y earrings i got from hot topic. im verrrry mildly allergic to them so like, i CAN wear them, they just cant be the studs i have in 24/7, yknow? but that sucks since i bought them because i needed new 24/7 studs for the ritual. but oh well ill find something!
i also had the WORST MOST TERRIBLE LUCK DISASTER OF A DAY yesterday like seriously not a SINGLE thing went right it was kind of comical. but that means something really really good is gonna happen soon so im excited! my daily tarot/lenormand/rune today seemed kind of promising (emperor-hierophant-8 of swords reversed//clover-scythe//fehu(cattle)) so hopefully we will see?
o yeah also a few days ago i got into a rantaro zine!! no one really reads my entries here so its ok to mention here but shhhhhh shhhshshshshshhh dont tell anyone ok?
its been.... weird. everyones nice when they do talk to me, but i cant help but feel like an outsider.... because i Am one. i mean its nice that the head mod isnt denying it tbh, its refershing to just be told "yeah we ended up pretty insular over the years" instead of just getting brushed off, because im not stupid, everyone knows at LEAST one other person and im here with my weird arthouse horror shit that funny enough tricked the head mod into thinking i'd be a REALLY intense guy to talk to sdkfnskjdnskdnf
im just nervous tho bc do i... fit in? im new and im weird and no ones read my fic yet and i knowww theyre busy but god im just so nervous!
though all this made me overhaul my ao3 profile bc i wanted a better fitting username after ten years, lmao! and it kind of made me realize that like... all this time, whenever i tried to find "an identity" for myself, it was always the startling and distinct lack of one that i settled on. my identity was that i was the angst writer, or the funny one, or that i was the guy who liked X thing. which like, being komaeda now, its like... well isnt that just an extension of those?
but i cant really explain it, at least not right now, but it's a lot different. its like yeah its based on this fictional guy but its a lot more natural and whole? like i can HAVE personality traits other than "omggg LOOK how komaeda-y i am," even though i like to describe them sometimes as being komaeda-y. but they dont HAVE to be, yknow? i can still like the same shit ive always liked, i just am a more complete version of myself now. you can pry writing and arthouse horror from my cold dead fucking hands i swear to god
ive also started going by clover! i get so nervous telling people my real name that im just gonna use a nickname for the time bean. i like it its cute!! but hopefully i can muster up the nerves to actually go by the name that i have and also like
its weird... i have synesthesia and like.... the name "nagito" is like, a gold, and the name "komaeda" is like... white? but the way the inside of a lychee is white or milk glass is white. i cant really describe it any other way
the name "clover" is green tho. sometimes synesthesia is obvious as hell idk what to tell u
i remember yeeears ago i was describing my synesthesia to someone and they asked what color my name was and i, after thinking about it for a while because the name i was going by then didnt fit but my deadname ABSOLUTELY didnt fit.... i said green! which really shoulda been like, a sign lmao
but it wasnt clover green and neither my first OR last name is green...? i dunno, ill have to poke n prod at it for a while later
the ritual's gonna be next month. im almost ready! maybe i should go on a tolerance break vis a vis weed till then.... just to make sure it hits me HARD the day of. cant waaaaiiiiittt yay!!!!!!!!!!!11111
i found a bunch of nice clothes, so yay! not like, a whole wardrobe overhaul's worth, but enough so i can manage for the time being. i even found the PERFECT komaeda lookin coat AND a shirt that reminds me of hajime, so overall a total success! i mean, despite a couple instances of bad luck... but honestly not too bad and i can bounce back so whateva!!
the day after i went thrifting i put on a whole new outfit and styled my hair and walked in front of my fiance and asked what he thought and he started to TEAR UP and said that no matter what i wore before, none of it really felt... right, yknow? like, it all looked nice on me, but it didnt look correct. but this all did and i looked so good and he all but shoved me in front of a mirror and... usuually i dont like looking at myself and like, that didnt fully go away, BUT i liked it a whole lot more in those clothes! he was right, i really did look a lot more correct than ever :)
but it turns out i was allergic to the komaeda-y earrings i got from hot topic. im verrrry mildly allergic to them so like, i CAN wear them, they just cant be the studs i have in 24/7, yknow? but that sucks since i bought them because i needed new 24/7 studs for the ritual. but oh well ill find something!
i also had the WORST MOST TERRIBLE LUCK DISASTER OF A DAY yesterday like seriously not a SINGLE thing went right it was kind of comical. but that means something really really good is gonna happen soon so im excited! my daily tarot/lenormand/rune today seemed kind of promising (emperor-hierophant-8 of swords reversed//clover-scythe//fehu(cattle)) so hopefully we will see?
o yeah also a few days ago i got into a rantaro zine!! no one really reads my entries here so its ok to mention here but shhhhhh shhhshshshshshhh dont tell anyone ok?
its been.... weird. everyones nice when they do talk to me, but i cant help but feel like an outsider.... because i Am one. i mean its nice that the head mod isnt denying it tbh, its refershing to just be told "yeah we ended up pretty insular over the years" instead of just getting brushed off, because im not stupid, everyone knows at LEAST one other person and im here with my weird arthouse horror shit that funny enough tricked the head mod into thinking i'd be a REALLY intense guy to talk to sdkfnskjdnskdnf
im just nervous tho bc do i... fit in? im new and im weird and no ones read my fic yet and i knowww theyre busy but god im just so nervous!
though all this made me overhaul my ao3 profile bc i wanted a better fitting username after ten years, lmao! and it kind of made me realize that like... all this time, whenever i tried to find "an identity" for myself, it was always the startling and distinct lack of one that i settled on. my identity was that i was the angst writer, or the funny one, or that i was the guy who liked X thing. which like, being komaeda now, its like... well isnt that just an extension of those?
but i cant really explain it, at least not right now, but it's a lot different. its like yeah its based on this fictional guy but its a lot more natural and whole? like i can HAVE personality traits other than "omggg LOOK how komaeda-y i am," even though i like to describe them sometimes as being komaeda-y. but they dont HAVE to be, yknow? i can still like the same shit ive always liked, i just am a more complete version of myself now. you can pry writing and arthouse horror from my cold dead fucking hands i swear to god
ive also started going by clover! i get so nervous telling people my real name that im just gonna use a nickname for the time bean. i like it its cute!! but hopefully i can muster up the nerves to actually go by the name that i have and also like
its weird... i have synesthesia and like.... the name "nagito" is like, a gold, and the name "komaeda" is like... white? but the way the inside of a lychee is white or milk glass is white. i cant really describe it any other way
the name "clover" is green tho. sometimes synesthesia is obvious as hell idk what to tell u
i remember yeeears ago i was describing my synesthesia to someone and they asked what color my name was and i, after thinking about it for a while because the name i was going by then didnt fit but my deadname ABSOLUTELY didnt fit.... i said green! which really shoulda been like, a sign lmao
but it wasnt clover green and neither my first OR last name is green...? i dunno, ill have to poke n prod at it for a while later
the ritual's gonna be next month. im almost ready! maybe i should go on a tolerance break vis a vis weed till then.... just to make sure it hits me HARD the day of. cant waaaaiiiiittt yay!!!!!!!!!!!11111
