Smile At Hope In The Name Of Despair

for the past 3 nights ive been dreaming about that fuckhead white haired bastard and i either am him or am watching him as an omniscient third party

i dont remember any of them which is kinda par for the course. shit ass memory in dreams and in consciousness i Fucking see. but i remembered last night's?

there was some artist drawing a darkskinned komaeda but then someone decided to make it into discourse because "only darkskinned people should draw darkskinned characters;" i guess the implication was that we're just better at it? anyway in the middle of arguing back i woke up. there was no indication the artist was even white

funny enough, his skin tone was like... anthy's from rgu. which DID look very pretty, but my skin is a different color and i wonder like... if i'm having komaeda dreams then wouldnt it look like me? or some such thing like that. but it did get me thinking about the concept and i might do a sprite edit later if i remember

i'm planning to go get hair bleach today n stuff. i need more bleach, new developer, i'm gonna be helping my fiance('s alter) cut and dye his hair to have a kokichi cut. and by "i'm gonna help" i mean "my soulbond is gonna help" because he's super good at cutting hair and i.... brother just don't let me near you with a pair of scissors bro im gonna fuck it up big heavy. this isnt a komaeda self deprecation thing either i verifiably suck at this one thing. even my fiance who loves me very much agrees that im bad at it

we need the bigass sallys bleach bucket, some more developer, perma-black for him, semi-perm purple also for him (so he can try out different purples n see what he likes first,) toner for me but non chemical based bc i am Pushing It with all the chemicals im ngl... depending on the purple he gets i might be able to nick a bit to dilute for toner... im not sure if i wanna do light pink tips anywhere or if i just wanna go full white, i guess ill figure it out? 

oh and more non dye hair stuff for me and curlers for him bc he needs to train his hair!! shumai is gonna have his hands full and he's happy bc like.... all his friends have nice styles. he's bored

a part of me wants to wear the komaeda fit outside bc it would be so funny if the sallys cashier Knew. like one bitch comes in w a komaeda shirt another bitch comes in w the kokichi bandanna and they get bleach and purple dye.... like yeah we doing what u think we doing keep scrolling

i have another post to make ill make it in a sec el em ay o

i don't know how long i'll be on this new dreamwidth but i do want to use it to talk about a topic most people... might not consider, or find as important as i do:

i would like to change my birthday and i do not care what i need to do in order to accomplish this

it's something ive wanted for a while, honestly-- it's a part of me wanting to separate myself as much as possible from my past, and that includes my birthday. it really ended up being an exercise in how my mom was waiting for me to get old enough so that she doesnt have to bother anymore, and how she barely knows me. it's also smack in the middle of a VERY traumatic time for me. also i dont like my star sign. so i'm changing it.

but yknow, just colloquially isn't enough. it'll still be wrong on my ID. i want to change it legally.

whatever i do, i'll still keep the same birth year. i don't really give a shit about how old i am, it's just the date itself. now, there are two routes to changing your legal birth date that i've come across, one that's a surefire success but is difficult to impossible, and the other that's a lot more... realistic, but with no guarantee of success. i cannot try both, i HAVE to pick one

so the first and most well known route is, of course, there was some kind of clerical error on your birth certificate, and you want it amended. this tends to go through as clerical errors are a thing that happens, however they require proof. the most common and most accepted form is of hospital records on the day of the true birth, or hospital billing records. records baptisms and other religious ceremonies are also accepted. here's the problem, though...

i was born in, y'know, a hospital. so records exist of my birth, which is in july and not april like i'm claiming. (sidenote: it might not end up being april 28th, but i'm going to be using that as the new birthday for convinience's sake)

so if i wanted to go this route, i'd have to... well.... commit fraud. 

apparently muslim religious ceremony records are better accepted, since they're done a set time after the birth. which is good, because i actually come from a predominantly muslim culture. while i and my family are not muslim, it won't be out of the question to claim so.

but then it's like, for something so important theyd of course call whatever organization i claim to be a part of and verify, you know? and i'm not too sure i can walk into a mosque and go "yo, i'm trying to commit fraud, can you help me out here?" like i just dont really think that really aligns with their beliefs. but what do i know

of course i could fake the organization itself... but that opens up again WAY MORE rabbit holes and god forbid the govt realize this "organization" did not actually exist in april of 2000. or maybe ill catch a lucky break and muslims are like super chill about tricking the govt

the risk would be the govt coming across the actual hospital records from july. if i went this route, i could say i don't talk to my parents at ALL and they don't know where i am, so maybe the govt wont go tracking them down. but like, i dont really know how seriously they take this stuff. on one hand, its a change to a birth certificate. on the other hand its a fucking birthday and the difference is three months. so really i dont know? 

the OTHER route... is through petitioning a court

i saw a case where someone petitioned a missouri court, citing severe mental distress over his age and wished to change his legal age to be much years younger. this didn't go through, but the courts WERE sympathetic towards it, and the only reason it didnt go through was bc the courts ruled against it

i might have a better shot, however. for one, i'm not changing my age, just my birthdate. for two, i do have diagnosed ptsd and know a guy who knows a therapist that seems super chill who might be able to help me change my birthday. if i went THIS route, my argument would be that i was abused growing up and suffered ptsd from it, and seeing my "true" birthday in any context causes me great distress so i would like to change it, especially since its only by three months, because even seeing the date on my ID brings back horrible memories. to be fair, july IS like i said, in the middle of a big traumatic time for me. i also know someone who knows a bunch of lawyers who might be able to make some weird argument for it

i think it helps that i was born in new joisey, so it's generally a weird as hell state. so i might have a better chance

the thing is, if the court method fails, i can't do the first method, because how incredibly sus would it be if i tried to do something legally, failed, and then ~just so happened~ to find documents proving that i was right all along?

very.

very sus i think.

i have no moral reservations behind fraud, honestly. it's a three month difference on a birthdate that i'm doing just for funsies. i'm not doing anything malicious, you know? i just don't want to get caught and have my life ruined over something stupid like birthday fraud

i hope my friend who knows the chill therapist gets back to me soon. im gonna hit up my friend who knows the lawyers tonight, altho that's maryland lawyers and not new jersey lawyers. but it's a good place to start, i think

i should probably change my name first because if i go the court case route and it actually fucking goes through, it'll be newsworthy i think. and i want people to get absolutely mallet conked on the head by an article that starts "Nagito Komaeda, a New Jersey native,"

i just think that would be really funny