it's such a wonderful, wonderful prison
Mar. 1st, 2025 04:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
luck4hopeso i watched i saw the tv glow
like, i'm trans. i kind of have to, you gotta do it. and it was worth the hype. it got to me as a trans allegory.
it also got to me in a second way.
time wasn't right, for years. i was like maddie/tara, i was stuck, then i left, then it stayed the same. got worse, even. one day i was 20, the next i was 24, like a spliced film reel.
but you know.... i came out as trans at 14. the tv glowed for me much, much earlier than that. even before i formally came out, i never liked my very gendered deadname. always went by "nicknames" i'd picked up from movies. ever since i was... cognizant enough to have a sense of self, it seems. and that was very young!
so when i first saw stills of the movie, the time not being right quote... i resonated heavily, but i didn't... know why? nobody called me my deadname anymore. i was on hormones. i was getting gendered properly.
why did i still feel the same?
well i'm happy(?) to report that i do know why now. unfortunatley the answer is... well... all this
time started feeling right after i started playing danganronpa again. which is objectively kind of a stupid thing to say, but you know how it goes. that shit happens. and it's the truth.
it hasnt been enough time to see how time is passing with my new realization. its only been, what, a few days?
...
the persian new year is coming up. i might get some money. how much money, i don't know.
it costs $250 to get my name changed. i'm eligible to waive the filing fee, and after all the documents i need to buy, that's the total cost.
my sister asked me-- if our dad gave me $250, would i change my name?
the only reason i havent so far is because i needed my mom's insurance... but it doesn't work in this state. it's pretty crappy overall, actually. so i was going to try and get on medicaid anyway. so there's really no need to hold off anymore
i didn't have an answer for her.
would i?
it seems stupid and impulsive. it's barely been enough time. is that what i want my name to be?
...i know the answer. i hate the answer. i want to turn away from the answer and deny it with everything that i have in me. i can't even say what i want my name to be, on this journal, where nobody can see, and anyone that can see will know instantly what it is.
it's not real if i don't think about it.
but i can't keep living like this.
like, i'm trans. i kind of have to, you gotta do it. and it was worth the hype. it got to me as a trans allegory.
it also got to me in a second way.
time wasn't right, for years. i was like maddie/tara, i was stuck, then i left, then it stayed the same. got worse, even. one day i was 20, the next i was 24, like a spliced film reel.
but you know.... i came out as trans at 14. the tv glowed for me much, much earlier than that. even before i formally came out, i never liked my very gendered deadname. always went by "nicknames" i'd picked up from movies. ever since i was... cognizant enough to have a sense of self, it seems. and that was very young!
so when i first saw stills of the movie, the time not being right quote... i resonated heavily, but i didn't... know why? nobody called me my deadname anymore. i was on hormones. i was getting gendered properly.
why did i still feel the same?
well i'm happy(?) to report that i do know why now. unfortunatley the answer is... well... all this
time started feeling right after i started playing danganronpa again. which is objectively kind of a stupid thing to say, but you know how it goes. that shit happens. and it's the truth.
it hasnt been enough time to see how time is passing with my new realization. its only been, what, a few days?
...
the persian new year is coming up. i might get some money. how much money, i don't know.
it costs $250 to get my name changed. i'm eligible to waive the filing fee, and after all the documents i need to buy, that's the total cost.
my sister asked me-- if our dad gave me $250, would i change my name?
the only reason i havent so far is because i needed my mom's insurance... but it doesn't work in this state. it's pretty crappy overall, actually. so i was going to try and get on medicaid anyway. so there's really no need to hold off anymore
i didn't have an answer for her.
would i?
it seems stupid and impulsive. it's barely been enough time. is that what i want my name to be?
...i know the answer. i hate the answer. i want to turn away from the answer and deny it with everything that i have in me. i can't even say what i want my name to be, on this journal, where nobody can see, and anyone that can see will know instantly what it is.
it's not real if i don't think about it.
but i can't keep living like this.
