scum like me
Mar. 1st, 2025 01:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
luck4hopethis might sound anti-recovery, but i don't care
...so, as long as i can remember, i've had pretty low self esteem. comically so, even. everyone around me has tried to get me to stop, from my friends to my therapists.
but i kind of don't want to?
like. it's weird, and i'm really not sure if i can explain it all well
its like... if it stresses me out to try and Stop It, moreso than the actual low self-esteem, why should i? why can't i just get better at coexisting with it?
and the second longer point: people are allowed to have certain neuroses that oftentimes hurt themselves and others. and certain neuroses are more accepted by society (or certain parts of society) than others. like, for instance, i vape (weed, not nic) and i have friends who are vapers (nic and weed.) depending on who you ask, this is either perfectly fine or something that needs to stop Now because it's Bad. but the key is, some people will think it's perfectly fine. or at least, that my friends and i understand the risks and what it could do to us and what it is doing to us, but that we choose to do it for whatever reasons befit us
and like. look. i don't feel very much empathy. i am friends with other low empathy people and hyperempathetic people. and i say this now because theyve said it: having hyperempathy sucks and hurts the person with it and the people around them, due to them not being able to put their own feelings aside and help when need be. that's just how things are! no one really talks about "fixing hyperempathy," because empathy is largely seen as good. but inversely, low empathy people need to fix themselves, because low empathy is bad.
i've learned to live with my low empathy. i will never be an empathetic person and whether or not i'm a compassionate and caring one highly depends, but leans towards "no." cognitive empathy does exist, and i know how to do that, but my reservoirs will quickly dry up. again, i live with this instead of trying to will myself to be more empathetic. i'm just not the kind of person people can one-on-one vent to if they want comfort. and that's... fine? i can do other things. people can vent to me in the way of bitching and wanting a bitching partner and no real comfort-- in fact, some people prefer that. point being, i never tried to make myself be something i'm not. well, i did, but it didn't go so great. it just made my ocd worse. protip: ocd is not a good substitute for empathy or compassion
my friends tried spritzing me with a spray bottle whenever i said something mean about myself, at my request, so this is on my shoulders, but it didn't really solve anything. the ensuing argument just made me feel worse and more stressed than whatever it was that i said about myself. the PROBLEM is that my low self-esteem paralyzes me into inaction. not that it's there.
and in a weird roundabout way, i kind of like it now? it's identity affirming.
so like... if trying to get rid of it causes everyone especially myself more stress than the actual "problem," and other people are allowed to have vices and neuroses that aren't especially good for them.... why can't i?
i don't see this as anti-recovery. rather, i am recovering, on my own terms. i've generally been resistant to therapy because no therapist i've seen, even the good ones, really understood everything about me. and none of their methods really... worked? i tried. i did the homework i showed up to sessions i did whatever they asked (unless i forgot... which was a lot of times. i tried to write it down but then i forgot i'd written anything at all, or that i even had a checklist) but none of it really worked. no therapy session ever really helped. so i'm taking matters into my own hands and is that such a bad thing?
is it?
i don't care. after all... any idea a piece of shit like me would have is bound to be terrible... right...?
...so, as long as i can remember, i've had pretty low self esteem. comically so, even. everyone around me has tried to get me to stop, from my friends to my therapists.
but i kind of don't want to?
like. it's weird, and i'm really not sure if i can explain it all well
its like... if it stresses me out to try and Stop It, moreso than the actual low self-esteem, why should i? why can't i just get better at coexisting with it?
and the second longer point: people are allowed to have certain neuroses that oftentimes hurt themselves and others. and certain neuroses are more accepted by society (or certain parts of society) than others. like, for instance, i vape (weed, not nic) and i have friends who are vapers (nic and weed.) depending on who you ask, this is either perfectly fine or something that needs to stop Now because it's Bad. but the key is, some people will think it's perfectly fine. or at least, that my friends and i understand the risks and what it could do to us and what it is doing to us, but that we choose to do it for whatever reasons befit us
and like. look. i don't feel very much empathy. i am friends with other low empathy people and hyperempathetic people. and i say this now because theyve said it: having hyperempathy sucks and hurts the person with it and the people around them, due to them not being able to put their own feelings aside and help when need be. that's just how things are! no one really talks about "fixing hyperempathy," because empathy is largely seen as good. but inversely, low empathy people need to fix themselves, because low empathy is bad.
i've learned to live with my low empathy. i will never be an empathetic person and whether or not i'm a compassionate and caring one highly depends, but leans towards "no." cognitive empathy does exist, and i know how to do that, but my reservoirs will quickly dry up. again, i live with this instead of trying to will myself to be more empathetic. i'm just not the kind of person people can one-on-one vent to if they want comfort. and that's... fine? i can do other things. people can vent to me in the way of bitching and wanting a bitching partner and no real comfort-- in fact, some people prefer that. point being, i never tried to make myself be something i'm not. well, i did, but it didn't go so great. it just made my ocd worse. protip: ocd is not a good substitute for empathy or compassion
my friends tried spritzing me with a spray bottle whenever i said something mean about myself, at my request, so this is on my shoulders, but it didn't really solve anything. the ensuing argument just made me feel worse and more stressed than whatever it was that i said about myself. the PROBLEM is that my low self-esteem paralyzes me into inaction. not that it's there.
and in a weird roundabout way, i kind of like it now? it's identity affirming.
so like... if trying to get rid of it causes everyone especially myself more stress than the actual "problem," and other people are allowed to have vices and neuroses that aren't especially good for them.... why can't i?
i don't see this as anti-recovery. rather, i am recovering, on my own terms. i've generally been resistant to therapy because no therapist i've seen, even the good ones, really understood everything about me. and none of their methods really... worked? i tried. i did the homework i showed up to sessions i did whatever they asked (unless i forgot... which was a lot of times. i tried to write it down but then i forgot i'd written anything at all, or that i even had a checklist) but none of it really worked. no therapy session ever really helped. so i'm taking matters into my own hands and is that such a bad thing?
is it?
i don't care. after all... any idea a piece of shit like me would have is bound to be terrible... right...?
